I once asked a group of undergraduate students I was teaching how many of them were taught debate in high school; pick one side of an issue and your opponent chooses the other side, and the winner is determined by who best argued their point. About 70% of the students raised their hands. I then asked the students how many of you were taught that when confronted with an opinion, argument or perspective different than one you hold, to first take a pause. Then to get really curious about the other person’s perspective, to ask open-ended questions and really listen to what they were sharing.  Needless to say no one raised their hand and I got a few laughs. 

As someone who was on the founding group of our high school debate team, I also learned this lesson the hard way. 

Over the years, the number one wish of the managers we work with is to develop their abilities when it comes to having difficult conversations. Even as someone who makes a living teaching people how to do this, it can be hard to avoid the nervous, upsetting feeling that takes over prior to engaging in a conversation you know will be ‘difficult’.

Those defensive behaviours we learn as highlighted in the debate team example, are the ones we tend to lean on the most when facing difficult conversations.  It’s often easier to deflect or place blame on others than it is to develop a true understanding of the other person’s perspective. 

The good news is that there are many useful strategies you can employ when it comes to taking the fear out of difficult conversations but the single most impactful one is often overlooked. 

Listening. 

Here are three ways you can develop your skills in difficult conversations by listening:

1. Be curious about someone else’s perspective before sharing your own. When confronted with an idea to which you have an oppositional stance, rather than saying you disagree or stating your thoughts, spend time asking questions and trying to understand where they’re coming from.

2. Practice asking open-ended questions; asking open-ended questions like “Tell me more.”, “What do you think about that?”, “What is your perspective?”, “How do you see things?”, etc is a skill that you can learn. A great exercise to practice this is to ask someone a question like “How was your day?” and try to only ask open-ended questions for 5 straight minutes. Notice how quickly you want to jump to sharing your own experiences or opinions.

3. Repeat back to the person you’re speaking with what you’re hearing them say. It’s a good way to check for your understanding and to make sure you’re hearing the important messages in what they’re trying to share.

Getting better at difficult conversations is a lifelong practice. Participants in our Modern Managers Intensive and our 'Fearless Feedback' workshop get to practice this skill amongst others. If you’re interested you can find more information on our website.